


The Note

by lacunaxx



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crying, Death, Fluff, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Marriage, Might Make You Want Death, My Other Work Will Be Updated Soon, No Smut, Phan - Freeform, Sadness, Sobbing, Suicidal Dan, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, This probably sucks, Wanted Suicide, how does one tag, pure fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 18:05:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9778244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacunaxx/pseuds/lacunaxx
Summary: "I set down the note. Now I know. This is what he's been keeping away from me for so long. An old suicide note. My heart aches. It's too much. The pain, the torture. I'll never quit remembering him. No, never. Even after he hurt me, even after he left me from fear of hate, I still loved him. I didn't know that this is what he thought. What he wrote, oh-so long ago."A heart-wrenching Oneshot that I wrote when I felt depressed and wanting to die.





	

_I'm sorry. I fucked up. I fucked it all up. I loved you, so, so much. I'm sorry fucked everything up. I'm sorry. By the time you read this, I will hopefully be gone. If not, please don't try to save me. I deserve to die. After what I did to you, I don't deserve a life. I just want death. I don't have a place here anymore. Please, just understand. I loved you. I always did. But, now, I just can't look at you without any guilt. I only wanted what was best. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to make you harm yourself. I didn't mean to ruin our friendship. I'm sorry, Phil. I really am._

_Please, don't miss me when I'm gone. Just forget about me. I don't need any love. I don't need to be remembered. I don't need to be known even after suicide. Please, don't harm yourself. I'm doing this for the best. I just hope that you're not the one to find my body first._

_Phil, you really are amazing. I have something for you, something that I wanted to give you so long ago. I hope you like it. We were perfect together. But I'm a fucking jerk. I'm an idiot. I'm a coward. I'm a_ **_monster._ ** _I didn't deserve you._

_You were the best boyfriend and flatmate that anyone could ask for. I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up. You were the Sun to my Moon, the Lion to my Llama, the Love of My Life. I loved everything about you, I still do. You'll be the one I'm thinking about even after death. You never left my mind. Even through every bad time that we've had, I couldn't stop thinking about you, loving you, wanting to cuddle and kiss you. The way your beautiful blue, green and yellow eyes sparkled, I could never forget that. Every date we went on was the best. Moonlit strolls, candlelit dinners, cuddling at the flat and watching a movie, such good memories. But you'll make better ones without me._

_Your pale skin, your raven hair, your little habit of poking out your tongue when you laugh, your cheeky jokes, your kisses, your smile, you were always so gorgeous, so perfect._

_And I'm sad to say that I'll never see that again._

_At my funeral, I want you to stay. Stay as long as you can. Tell me a story. Tell me the story about our life together. How we first met in 2009, our fight in 2012, our relationship. Tell it all. I may not be there, beside you, but I'll be listening._

_Don't remember me, Phil. Tell everyone to not remember me. Tell Tyler, Pj, Chris, Louise, Cat, the Fans, all of them. Only tell them to never, ever stop loving you. I want you to not be alone. I want you to be free. I can't give you that freedom. I can't give you that happiness, I'm just too boring. Too stupid. Too mean._

_Phil, I love you. But it's time to say goodbye. Don't remember me, but do remember how much I loved you. You'll always be loved. No matter what._

_Tell the Fans that this is the end of Danisnotonfire. Of Phan. Of my life._

_Goodbye, Phil. It's time to go._

                    Daniel James Howell

 

I set down the note. Now I know. This is what he's been keeping away from me for so long. An old suicide note. My heart aches. It's too much. The pain, the torture. I'll never quit remembering him. No, never. Even after he hurt me, even after he left me from fear of hate, I still loved him. I didn't know that this is what he thought. What he wrote, oh-so long ago.

Tears streaked my face. I hadn't noticed I had been crying. This was his secret. What he had been hiding.

Dan, oh my little Dan. My Bear. My Llama. My Boo. My Little Danny. My Love. My Flatmate. My Best Friend.

I sobbed, clenching the note in my hand. The left hand. Dan's dominant hand.

I heard a noise, the sound of a door opening. With a sniffle, I looked up to the entrance of his old room. Pj stood, wearing a tuxedo. “It's time,” he told me.

I nodded, wiping away tears. I looked in the mirror, fixing my hair. I looked down to see something had fallen out of the envelope the note had been in. It was a necklace, with a lion and a llama. It had an engraving on it. “The Lion to My Llama,” it said.

I clipped it around my neck and looked down, picking up the mess. I fixed myself up, transitioning from an “I was just crying” look to a “I'm okay” face. I followed Pj out of the room and into his car. He drove me to the place where the ceremony would happen. I nearly began crying again.

After we arrived, he automatically led me to a large room. I fiddled with my raven hair, plastering on a nervous smile. We stopped at two large doors. A slow, nearly depressing song could be heard on the other side.

I took a deep breath, and Pj patted me on the back. “You ready,” he asked. With a small, shaky nod, we went through the doors. Multiple heads spun in our direction. Dark blue and black flowers hung along the walls of the large room. The music became louder. I sighed softly, composing myself.

Pj walked me down the aisle. Eyes followed our every move. Petals littered the floor. I looked up, trying not to fall. When we reached our destination, we stopped and Pj stepped to the side.

A few minutes passed. I began to grow worried, until the doors burst open for the second time. Chris walked through, his usual goofy persona vanished into a mature, professional stance. A few steps later, someone stepped out from behind him.

I nearly cried, fully sobbing. A small smile twitched at my lips as I finally saw him clearly. He looked amazing. My heart thumped in my chest. My blood pounded in my ears. A warmth spread through me.

Blue met brown. The most beautiful, brilliant shade of brown. I broke into a large grin as he stepped into his place and Chris stepped back.

The ceremony began. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, he looked so gorgeous. My love spread like wildfire, never-ending.

The Priest began.

“We gather here to unite these two people in marriage. Their decision to marry has not been entered into lightly and today they publicly declare their private devotion to each other. The essence of this commitment is the acceptance of each other in entirety, as lover, companion, and friend. A good and balanced relationship is one in which neither person is overpowered nor absorbed by the other, one in which neither person is possessive of the other, one in which both give their love freely and without jealousy. Marriage, ideally, is a sharing of responsibilities, hopes, and dreams. It takes a special effort to grow together, survive hard times, and be loving and unselfish.”

My stomach did flips.

“Do you both pledge to share your lives openly with one another, and to speak the truth in love? Do you promise to honor and tenderly care for one another, cherish and encourage each other, stand together, through sorrows and joys, hardships and triumphs for all  
the days of your lives?”

He and I glanced at each other. With smiles, we both responded.

“We do.”

“Do you pledge to share your love and the joys of your marriage with all those around you, so that they may learn from your love and be encouraged to grow in their own lives?”  


“We do.”

“May these rings be blessed as a symbol of your union. As often as either of you look upon these rings, may you not only be reminded of this moment, but also of the vows you have made and the strength of your commitment to each other.”

As he went on, my heart thumped in my chest wildly.  
  
“Philip, please repeat after me.”  


“I Philip, promise to love and support you Daniel and live each day with kindness, understanding, truth, humor, and passion. With this ring I thee wed.”

I took my groom's hand and slid the ring on, repeating the same words that the priest had said.

“Daniel, please repeat after me.”  


He took a deep breath, smiling and waiting for the words to repeat.

  
“I Daniel, promise to love and support you Philip and live each day with kindness, understanding, truth, humor, and passion. With this ring I thee wed.”  


With a small, nervous glance to the rather tiny crowd, he took my hand and slid on the ring, repeating every word correctly.

The priest smiled to us both, closing his book and nodding.

“Go now in peace and live in love, sharing the most precious gifts you have, the gifts of your lives united. And may your days be long on this earth. I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss the groom.”

He jumped into my arms, our lips colliding. I smiled into the kiss as everyone cheered and clapped, happy for us.

I smiled at him, my newly wedded husband. “I love you, Daniel James Lester. Please, never leave me,” I pulled out the necklace that had been hidden under my tuxedo. He looked surprised for a moment, realization spreading through his expression.

Then, he sadly smiled. “I'll never leave you. I love you, Philip Michael Lester.” We hugged and kissed again, embracing each other.

Today was a great day to remember. I'm very grateful that note had been tossed, and he kept his life.

He's so beautiful. He's amazing. He's mine. My bear. My llama. My everything.

We happily spent the rest of our lives together, rarely fighting, uploading videos and more. We adopted two kids, a boy and a girl. Their names were Jasmine and Lukas. They grew up and took on the job of YouTube, going to Uni and earning a lot of money, moving onto the legends of AmazingJas and Lukeisnotonfire. Dan and I lived to old age, our love never dissipating. We loved each other till death, where we held each other in our deathbeds, blue gazing into brown.

The fans never forgot about us, and loved our kids just as much as they loved us.

I'm glad we met in 2009.

I'm glad I got that box of cereal.

I'm glad that Dan is my one and only.

**Author's Note:**

> Wedding Script Credit To This Blog; 
> 
> http://ravieandchelseaswedding.blogspot.com/2010/06/wedding-ceremony-script.html?m=1


End file.
